Looking Back
by JordynMM
Summary: A look into Lilly Rush's past.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own or claim to own Cold Case or any of the characters.

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Ray first saw her when he was seven years old. He saw her walking by his home, her small hand being held in an older male's; _probably her father, _Ray had assumed. He saw her walking past his house every weekday morning before he went to school. He also began noticing her at his school. It always looked like the girl could use someone to talk to, but Ray never had the guts to approach her. He decided, instead, to watch her from a distance.

He saw her less after the school year ended, but every once in a while she'd run by his house and into the park. Ray was able to watch her from his bedroom. It's not like he waited for her to walk by so that he could watch her, he just couldn't manage to take his eyes off her when he did see her. He usually saw her go to the park by herself, her long blond hair flowing behind her as she ran by. Every once in a while he saw her go with her father. A few times he noticed her father had a baby girl in his arms, and once he even saw her mother join them. Once he was actually in the park when she went to play. He spent the entire time she was there hiding behind a tall tree. His heart raced and it felt like he had been waiting for hours before he finally heard the sound of her small feet getting further away as she ran down the pavement.

After the summer ended and the new school year started, Ray noticed that she started walking to school alone. Ray followed her to school, staying far enough behind her so she wouldn't notice him. Most of the time she went by really early, but he didn't mind. Then there were days that he had to leave, even though he hadn't seen her pass. Most of the time he would see her at school later in the day, but there were many days of school that she missed completely. Ray found himself worrying about the young girl who he had never said a word to regularly. He worried about the fact that she didn't have a warm jacket to wear in the winter, her shoes, completely worn, couldn't protect her feet from the cold snow that she trudged through daily. He worried about the bags under her eyes and the bruises he occasionally noticed on her wrists.

It was March, and the snow had started melting when Ray finally approached her. He had faked illness so that he could stay home from school that day. Not because he wanted to talk to her, just because he really didn't feel like going to school that day. He had been relaxing on the steps that led up to the entrance of his home when he saw her walking down the street, on her way home from school. At first, he panicked and ran to the sole tree in his small front yard, hiding behind it's small trunk. He knew she hadn't seen him because she was staring down at her feet, trying to avoid the larger puddles that filled the street. It wasn't until after she passed that he talked himself into saying something.

"Hi," he said loudly, realizing she was already a few feet ahead of him. He had stepped out from behind the tree so that she could see him. He was surprised when he heard a small scream escape her lips, her body froze and she slowly turned her head back to look at the person who had spoken to her. "Hi," he said again, a friendly smile on his lips. "I'm Ray," he added.

"I'm Lilly," the small girl stuttered, fear in her eyes. Ray continued to smile at her as he took a few steps closer to her.

"Want to come over?" he asked, shrugging in the direction of his home and the park. Lilly shook her head quickly and Ray frowned. "Why?" he asked.

"I gotta be home," she said before turning around and running down the street. Ray ran to the entrance of the building he saw her enter and watched her as she disappeared into the second room on the left. Even from outside the building he could hear the shouts from one of the rooms closest to the entrance and music blaring from down the hall.

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**A/N:** Alright, so this is my first fanfic, and I really have no clue what I'm doing. Reviews would be a great way to let me know if you like it or not, and what I could do to improve!  
Thanks for reading, and I'll try to update as soon as I can!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them.

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Lilly could hear the screams of her baby sister as soon as she entered the building and that's all it took to forget about the boy who had confronted her only moments earlier. She walked quickly into the small room she had called home for nearly eight years and threw her bags down next to the door.

Her baby sister was sitting against a wall screaming, her arms extended in front of her. Lilly immediately recognized this action and grabbed a bottle from the counter and filled it with water. She took it over to her baby sister and handed it to her before going back to the cupboards, searching for anything to feed the nine-month-old. She was relieved to find a small bag of soda crackers and pulled them down.

Even though she was starving, she didn't eat; there wasn't enough food or both of them. Lilly could tell that Christina was still hungry, even after finishing the crackers, but there was nothing left. Lilly sighed as she refilled the bottle and gave it back to her sister. She glanced into the small living area of the apartment half expecting to see her mother passed out on the couch. When Lilly didn't see her mother there, she figured she had made it to her bedroom, or that she had gone out, leaving Christina alone; something that wasn't at all rare.

Things hadn't always been so bad for Lilly. Sure, her family never had much money, but when her dad was around, he always made sure there was food on the table. But he had left for unknown reasons in August the year before, and since then things had only gone downhill. Ellen had always had problems with alcohol, but after her husband had left the family, her drinking habits only got worse. She lost the job she had and didn't bother to look for a new job. She began spending her nights away from home, staying out until the wee hours of the morning with different men. Lilly rarely ever saw her sober.

Lilly grabbed her school bag and sat down on the ground beside her sister. She pulled out her notebook and a pencil and attempted to do her school work despite all of the noise in the apartment. Her neighbours had their music blaring, and the people shouting at each other down the hall didn't help either. She was already a week behind in school, and knew she would get into a lot of trouble if she didn't catch up on her school work.

Christina, who was a bit happier because of the food in her system, began playing peek-a-boo behind Lilly's notebook. This involved her pulling the book up and down, making it even harder for the seven year old to concentrate. Finally Lilly snapped. "Stop it!" She screamed, shoving her sister away slightly. Christina's eyes filled with tears and she crawled away. Lilly felt bad, but she couldn't afford to not get her work done.

Lilly spent nearly four hours finishing her homework, and by the time she was done she was exhausted. Christina had already fallen asleep on the floor beside her. Lilly went over to the couch and pulled out the bed hidden within it. It wasn't at all comfortable, but their mother wouldn't allow them into the only bedroom of the apartment which had the only bed, and it was better than the floor. Lilly lifted her sister awkwardly; Lilly was very small for her age, and carrying her sister was always difficult, but she managed to carry Christina to the bed without waking her. Lilly placed some pillows on one side of Christina, and then laid herself down on the other side. It too Lilly well over an hour to fall asleep with all of the noise in the building.

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At around midnight, Christina woke up crying, and Lilly had to get her another bottle of water and change her cloth diaper. Again, it took a long time for Lilly to get back to sleep, only to be awoken a couple of hours later by the sound of her mother stumbling into the apartment with an unknown man. Lilly rolled onto her side and pretended to be asleep so that she didn't have to witness her mother and this man stripping each other down to nothing and stumbling into the bedroom. Lilly could hear the bed moving in the bedroom, and threw her arms over her head to try to block out the sounds of her mother having sex.

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**A/N:** Review?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own them.  


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Lilly woke up to the sound of her sister's cries early the next morning. She was exhausted, but knew she couldn't go back to sleep. Instead she got up and filled her sisters bottle again. She glanced at the clock on the stove, not knowing if it displayed the correct time or not, and decided it was still to early to go to school.

Her sister's crying must have awoken the man who had slept with her mother the night before, because Lilly heard him practically fall out of the bed. She then saw him rush out of the apartment, only half dressed.

Lilly heard and felt her stomach cry for food, but there was no food to eat. Lilly filled a small glass with water and drank it down quickly, hoping she got to school early enough for breakfast. With that thought in mind, she went to grab he school bag and made her way to the door.

When someone knocked quietly on the door, Lilly nearly screamed. She waited for a minute, hoping that the person had come to the wrong door and would soon leave. But she heard the knocks again. In her experience, a knock on the door usually wasn't a good thing. Although, she always had a small hope that it could be her father coming back to the family.

Lilly cautiously approached the door and then slowly opened it. She stared at the boy who had talked to her the day before. She didn't trust the boy; she didn't trust much of anyone. "Hi, remember me?" the boy asked. Lilly nodded. "I'm Ray, and you're Lilly," the boy reminded her.

"I know my own name," Lilly spat at him. "What are you doing here?" she asked, folding her arms across her chest. "I got school," she added, hoping that would make him go away.

"I thought I could walk you to school," Ray smiled at her.

"I never seen you at my school before..." Lilly began. "We probly go to different schools," she stated. Ray shook his head as he continued to smile at her. "I don't go to the close school... I go to the far one," she added, not understanding what the boy was still doing at her door. When Lilly's father was around, he had managed to get her into the best school in the area. It wasn't as close as some of the other schools, but her father felt that it would be the best for her to learn at a better school.

"I go to that school too," Ray smiled. Lilly shook her head. "I see you there lots," he added. Lilly sighed. "Come on, I'll walk with you," Ray said, holding out his hand. Lilly reluctantly placed her hand in his and followed him out of the apartment.

The walk was a long one, but it seemed even longer when she walked with Ray. He kept going on and on about motorcycles, getting into things that Lilly didn't understand. She had made the mistake of answering "sure," to the question "do you like motorcycles?".

Lilly was happier to get to school then she had ever been, but she couldn't get away from Ray so easily. He walked her to the cafeteria and sat with her while she ate her cereal. "You always eat breakfast here?" Ray asked her curiously.

Lilly shrugged, glad he had finished talking about motorcycles. "If I get here early enough," she said between mouthfuls. "You don't ever eat here?" she asked.

Ray shook his head. "We got better stuff at home," he grinned.

When Lilly finished her cereal, Ray walked her to her classroom, and then headed off to his own class. He met up with her during recess, and then again at the end of the day when school let out.

"Want to come over today?" Ray asked hopefully as the two walked down the street together, hand in hand. Once again, Lilly shook her head no. 'Got to be home again?" he asked and Lilly nodded. "Why you got to be home?" Ray asked her curiously.

"I got to look after my little sister," Lilly said.

"Oh, okay. See you tomorrow then," Ray said before he ran into his house. Lilly continued down the street and turned into her apartment, deciding that maybe Ray wasn't so bad.

When Lilly got into her apartment, her sister was crying again. Lilly reached into her backpack and pulled out the leftover milk she had from breakfast and used it to fill the bottle. Christina sucked on the bottle happily, glad to finally have something other than water.

Ray showed up the next morning, and every other morning for the rest of the week. He also walked her home every day that week, each time hopeful that she could come over to his house and play. By the end of the week, Lilly had made her first friend.

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**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews! I'll probably have the next chapter up tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own them.  
**A/N:** I'm so sorry it's taken so long to write this. I'll try to be a bit quicker at getting the next chapter up!

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Lilly woke up just as early that Saturday morning as any other morning. She nearly jumped off the couch when she opened her eyes and her sister's face was hovering over her own. Christina grinned and giggled playfully when she saw Lilly's eye's open, and crawled on top of her older sister.

Lilly moaned, throwing her arm over her eyes with the smallest hope that she could get another hour of sleep. Christina bounced lightly on her, though, and this made it difficult to breathe. Lilly sat up and lifted her sister onto her lap. She almost fell over when she sawher mother emerge from the dark hallway. Her mother was never awake before she was.

"Morning sleepy-head," her mother grinned. Lilly looked her mother up and down. She was completely ready for the day; she had changed into clean clothes and her hair was brushed and nicely pulled back.

"Morning," Lilly said tiredly. Christina continued to climb over Lilly, so Lilly began to tickle her younger sister.. Christina fell back into the couch and began giggling. Ellen then joined them and began tickling Lilly. Lilly screamed happily as she tried to escape her mother's hands.

The happiness ended far too soon in Lilly's mind. As soon as Ellen stood up to poor herself a drink, Lilly knew that it wouldn't be long before her mother would grow annoyed with every little thing she did. Lilly sighed as she continued to play with her sister, wishing that the good mood could have lasted just a bit longer. A couple of glasses of vodka later, and Ellen had retreated to her bedroom.

A couple of hours later, Lilly heard a familiar knock on the door. She wasn't expecting Ray to come by that day, but she knew it was him. She lifted herself off the couch, throwing the book she had been reading to her sister onto the floor, and ran to the door. Ray smiled down at her as she opened the door and greeted him.

"Want to come play?" Ray asked hopefully. He was used to her saying no after school, but maybe during the day on a weekend she'd be able to go out. Lilly looked into her apartment, unsure of whether she should leave her sister alone with her mother or not. At that moment, Ellen had emerged from her bedroom with an empty glass in her hands.

"I don't know," Lilly said nervously as she watched her mother pass by and walk into the kitchen. Ellen looked back when she heard her daughter speak, having not even noticed the two children standing at the door of her home at first.

"Is this your friend, Lilly?" Ellen asked, a smile forming on her lips. Lilly nodded cautiously, unable to determine what her mother's next move would be. "Well, you kids go have fun then!" she exclaimed before stumbling back down the hallway, having forgotten her initial goal, the empty glass still in her left han.

Ray's smile only grew at this. "Let's go," he said. Lilly was still nervous about leaving, but after a few seconds, she decided it'd be okay. She closed the door behind her and raced Ray to the park near his house.

The two played together at the park for nearly an hour, before the rain started falling down on them. Lilly followed Ray to his home, and by the time the two stumbled through the front door laughing, they were soaked head to toe.

As soon as they entered his home, Ray put his finger to his own lips, and Lilly quickly went quiet. She wondered if Ray's family was like hers; that if they were too loud, someone would yell at him or hurt him. She looked up at him curiously. "If we're quiet, we can go spy on my sister and her boyfriend," Ray giggled. Lilly looked at him nervously. It sounded like a bad thing to do, and whenever she did bad things, she got into a lot of trouble. "It's okay, I do it all the time," Ray added, seeing the apprehension in her eyes.

Lilly paused to think about it for another moment, but finally nodded her head. "Okay, just follow me. But be quiet," Ray grinned before he turned around and started to make his way down the stairs. Lilly closed her lips tight, knowing that if she didn't, she'd probably start giggling.

His basement was small. From the bottom of the stairs, Lilly could see all four walls. The stairs went down along one wall. Along the wall across from her there were two small bookshelves. In the corner were a few boxes with old toys sticking out of the tops. In the other corner was a small television. Lilly couldn't make out what was playing from where she stood, but she could hear quiet voices. A couch sat diagonally in the room so that it was facing the television.

Ray made a motion with his hands that told her to follow. He god down onto his hands and knees and began crawling over to the couch. Ray put up his index finger and Lilly waited behind the couch. He crawled around the couch and returned a few seconds later giggling. "

Ray motioned at her to follow him again so she followed him around the couch. They stopped beside the couch, and he lifted his head so that he could see over the arm. Lilly did the same and saw two teenagers embracing, their lips pressed together. Lilly didn't seem to find this as amusing as Ray did, so she sat back down, her back leaning against the side of the couch.

All of a sudden her heart started racing and she felt extremely dizzy. The next thing she knew, she was laying on the cold ground and she could hear Ray shouting.


End file.
